Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well I just put wine in my tea
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
