He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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