I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
