that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
