last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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