just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
