A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have feelings that need drinking.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
