TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
