I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
