apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
