got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
