my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Soap is not a condiment
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
