We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
