can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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