we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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