why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
