The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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