five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
