Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
