i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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