Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
