I accidentally had phone sex last night
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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