I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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