She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
