her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
