just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
