I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
