Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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