I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
