I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you traded sex for a burrito?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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