Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You're a waste of cheezeits
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
