If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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