I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
