I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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