so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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