Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
where are my eyebrows?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
