guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
