We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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