I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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