There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
