**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
