put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
