how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
