12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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