We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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