Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
