Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
