you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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