You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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