How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
