woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
